Life is passing by really fast. Where's the excitement? Where's the desire? The basics seem like they either got left far behind or maybe they're far up ahead. Maybe they're right here. Maybe they're like that one quarter disguised in a pocket full of nickels as your hand desperately tries to find it while you stare hungrily at the kitkat bar in the vending machine that doesn't accept nickels. Its right there, but finding it is going to take some work.

Where is that "right" feeling? That feeling is hidden in what your self does over the day. The feeling is hidden in how content you are with yourself and your surroundings. You want to change your ways, dust away the cloud of fake that's around you. You want to experience the original you. You sit back and think of when and how things started changing, where the discontent cropped up. You can't find an answer. It's tough to change yourself all by yourself. You feel like you need a guru. Someone who you can just blindly throw your weaknesses on and ask them to never give them back to you and train you to stay away from them. But there is no guru. Maybe there is, but nothing quite obvious at hand.

You have the mind. Control your actions using your mind. You are the mind. You are unhappy because your mind and your actions are in contradiction. Your mind knows what work is right. Your mind also has a lot of options to choose from. All it takes is a persistent no to the actions that are unnecessary and a sincere yes to the actions that are to be executed. Mute yourself. Stop talking. Stop wasting extra energy thinking about the future or the past. Indulge yourself in your mind. Dig through those nickels. The quarter is there. You know its there because you remember counting exactly 5 dollars and not 4.75 before you threw that pile in your pocket. You pull out a bunch of em, look at em in the palm of your hand, simple yes/no answer. If you haven't found the last quarter yet, dump the handful and go again.

Free your mind from everything but the quarter. This is not a tough task. It just takes a firm, sincere, and an honest NO.

Who believes in "randomized" structure?

For two of the best athletes in the world, it was as if an entire year passed by without change. Novak sits there with his win after a commendable struggle, just like last year. Roger sits with his loss after 2 match points, exactly in the same fashion as last year. Nothing changed. One played the entire drama with the typical and extremely composed poker face, while the other danced the entire time with his youthful emotional ups and downs. This moment really brings to light what a lot of us refer to when we say "time stood still." It catches my interest because despite of so much randomness that exists in this world today, we continue to witness moments like these that define a very enigmatic type of order that possibly exists at some level that is unknown to, well....most of us.

The clock ticks away one entire year. One works hard to possibly achieve a smoother victory this year, while the other toils to prevent a mishap that happened a year earlier. A year passes. But what really comes of it? Both try to bring a different outcome to an event that in the end seems so fated. So exactly the same. So structured.

Think of something that you are living for right now. We'll call this your element. It could be anything that keeps life moving for you. Your goals, your ambitions, significant others, love, money etc. Try to recall what your status with your element was a year ago, or maybe just a couple months ago. Think of how much it has or hasn't changed. Now think of all the little efforts you've made to actually bring change to your element. Chances are, for most of you who are reading, you've had some sort of change to your element, which at some rough level is justified by your actions. Now try to imagine the status of your element staying exactly the same as it was a year ago. Despite all that has happened around you, despite all you've done, despite all you'd planned. Your bank balance is exactly the same to the penny. Your relationships have stayed exactly the same. Your career is at the exact same point as it was a year ago. How does something stay exactly the same given the randomness around you? It seems abstract, doesn't it?

Maybe I am mistaken. Maybe someone can tell me if I am wrong. But the way the match turned out today made me type up this thought. We live random lives. Most of us will agree that given the variables around us, it is naive to think that you can get a 100% prediction on any event that'll happen so much as even 5 minutes into the future. Our lives seem to be made of unstructured events in an abstract system. Nevertheless, the randomness results in producing exactly the same products sometimes. This is what amazes me. There seems to be order. At some level, there is order, although it remains carefully hidden behind all the entropy. That's all.

Lyrics that matter..

"I think that all the silence is worse than all violence
Fear is such a weak emotion, that's why I despise it
We're scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I'm scared of even telling you
Sometimes I'm like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I'm locked inside a cell in me, I know that there's a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath inhale a few
My screams is finally gettin free, my thoughts is finally yellin through!"

- Lupe Fiasco ft. Skylar Grey "Words"

A littil note on confidence

Here's the thing about posting regularly. Sometimes you get distracted with other things. Yup, other things. I would not be doing this right now if I hadn't been sick and didn't have to stay in bed. I'd probably be playing games or brainstorming how to rule the world or eating dabeli. Cuz that's what I do.

How does one always stay confident? Confidence comes from preparation. Confidence comes from foresight. Foresight in turn comes from preparation and experience. Experience comes from preparation. Goals are important. When I don't have a goal, I do random things. Doing random things isn't necessarily bad. But at the end of doing a random thing, I don't get the same amount of happiness and fun as I get from achieving a goal based on unbelievable strategic execution. Yes, it definitely is as badass as it reads. The more happiness I get, the more fun I have, the more confident I am. So if at any time I find myself unconfident, I guess I could fall back and see if I've prepared for a goal.

I am thankful for the friends I have. I feel I have made good choices in terms of my company. I see clear hearts around me which is very refreshing.. Yes, there are times of discontent and frustration. At times like this, it is important that I realize I am responsible for my own state of being. I admit I am the only one responsible and I am the only one that will be able to change. Only I can make it better. Only I can motivate myself.

Knock Knock

Its just been a long time that’s all.
So then, what s your concern.

I am afraid I'll lose touch.
With friends and family?

Yea, I guess that'd be part of it.
What else?

I am afraid I'll lose touch with myself. I feel I am changing very quickly.
That can't be always bad..

Yea, its not bad. But it’s the feeling you get when you know you're stepping away from a mindset that has been established since a long time.
You're in a different setting. Ofcourse you will have to change some things about your lifestyle that connect you to the society around you. There's no reason to feel out of place about it.

But then, how much change is ok?
That's upto you to decide.

Wtf, that’s not the reply I want.
….

What do I do?
I don't see a problem.

I guess you start getting attached to the new lifestyle. And then you feel guilty about the attachment?
You're human, attachment is human, and change is seldom perfectly under your control. There is no reason to feel guilty for changing. You are not doing anything wrong. As far as I see it, you've still got your basics down and you're not defaulting on them. Don’t be afraid of change. Accept it, and work with it.

And what about the people back home? Family? Friends? Teachers?
They will always be there. You're still only 23, not 60.

And what about the whole "forgetting your roots" ordeal?
Are you doubting yourself?

No….maybe. I am not sure.
Don't doubt yourself. You know you will never end up in that place. Roots are deep. It's not easy to break away from them.

Am I doing anything wrong?
Are you?

Maybe.
Good.

Is there anything wrong with this picture?
Is there?

No.
Good.

Am I thinking too much?
Yes.

Well…?
Go do your work. Stop acting like a child. You've been built to perform. Get to it.

Feelin light

feelin light today. mind relaxed, no stress, no thoughts, no past, no future. its a good feeling. no im not drunk. I wuda drank my first beer a couple days ago but we were too tired to get out of the room. o well...next time. thats all i got. jus wanted to say hi. gonna go watch a movie tonite with family. aite peace.

Man v/s Wild.

I am trying to understand my mind. Discussion is welcome, retaliation is not.

Scantily dressed girls and boys trying to attract. People say they are there just to have fun. They are right. Fun for them is the rush they get when they sell each other to the opposite sex.....mostly. Alcohol allows them to open themselves up. I don’t know what that means. Yes, I’ve seen some people interact in more intimate/uninhibited ways when they are under the influence of alcohol than what they would do if they weren’t drinking. I feel if you think there is nothing wrong with what you're doing, you should not need alcohol to catalyze your actions.

When people are sober or not in a club, they are mostly in the eyes of society. They are bound by eyes and rules that a human society follows. When they are in such a society, they can’t behave like animals. I don’t want to make this sound negative and judgemental. When a person wants to feel free, he or she tends to advocate animal instinct. This is what happens when they go to clubs. They get a sense of freedom when they are surrounded by people with similar mindsets and similar limits.

Someone says, “You are not going to be able to get a girl with a mindset against clubs and alcohol. You should try to fit in more.”

Now this person is not trying to insult me. He/she wants me to have the fun that they are being able to have with clubs and alcohol. The reason I want to say no to this person is because I feel these things are an illusion. They give you temporary happiness. The feelings that two people have for each other under the influence of alcohol don't necessarily last. At the club, a guy approaches a girl, explains his interest in her, gets shot down, doesn’t care, moves on and tries to find another girl. The girl moves to another guy. Isn’t this what animals do? I am not saying its wrong or bad. But if you engage in behavior like this, don’t you feel you are living a contradictory life when you are not in such a setting?

It is true that right now, I don’t have an inner urge to go to clubs and drink alcohol for some reason. I am not trying to fight myself when I present my reasoning against these things. Its just something I don’t “feel” for whatever reason. Not everything is under my control and so there’s a chance that, in the future this mindset might change. I hope it doesn’t happen.

Knowing Oneself

"There are no pacts between Lions and men....You won't have eyes tonight, you won't have ears or a tongue. You will wander the underworld blind, deaf and dumb and all the dead will know; This is Hector, the fool who thought he killed Achilles."
- Myrmidon Achilles (Troy)

As thoughts break free, how do you react?

These few days are turning out to be a good test. It is at times like these that you must be mentally very strong. As the mind is relaxed, it is bringing to you many possibilities. All of these possibilities have positivity attached with them. However, you are aware of the fact that some possibilities are, well, not entirely feasible considering how things are playing out right now. Encouraging your mind in a given direction might not be the right thing to do. You consciously decide to be mindful of this but at times, it is difficult to take your mind off the direction. What do you do?

Force yourself to think otherwise? Despise yourself? Get angry at yourself? Punch?

Accept. Accept what you feel. Accept that there are possibilities. Accept that your mind is engaging itself in these possibilities. If you think it is not the right way to go, make a decision not to go this way. You are strong enough to respect the decisions you make. The point is, there is no use forcing yourself against something that is hardwired inside you, something that is natural. If you force yourself, you will not be able to learn how your mind behaves in certain situations. You will not be able to train your mind to be strong, to make the right decisions at times that matter.

15th August, 2009

Let us not forget that freedom and independence comes at a great expense.
Let us not forget how united we were 62 years from today.
Let us not forget the strength that lies within this unity.
Let us not forget the heroes that took the initiative.
Let us not forget the heroes that continued inspite of the massacre.
Let us not forget the heroes that became martyrs with smiles.
The smiles were not of insanity.
The smiles were of trust.
They trusted with the fruits of their sacrifice.

Let us remember our strengths, let us always work on improving our weaknesses.
Let us have more knowledge of the mistakes of the past.
Let us utilize the power of memories.
Let us fire ourselves up with the power of positive emotion.
Let us keep moving.
Let us create a stronger, newer generation that can respect and uphold our traditions.
Let us always be confident, calm and alert.
Let us uphold respect,
Let us uphold peace,
Let us uphold unity.

I am not needed, and I don't need.

You need your family. Family understands. You have your close family which comprises of your mother, father and sister. Then you have another close family which comprises of your friends that you can talk to without mentally calculating the things you are saying to them, just like your immediate family, if not more freely. These are the people that understand you without thought. These are the people you can talk to without carefully formulating your dialogue. These are the people that your Self is comfortable with. If you are not comfortable with someone, don’t bother.

This is a pretty goal oriented and sensitive group. But the group doesn't need you nor do you need the group. Don’t let little things disturb your mental stability. Keeping people happy is not a requirement. It's only your personal choice. When you try to make people happy, do you start expecting them to be happy and recognize you as a source of their happiness, thereby expecting more? What are you expecting? Praise? Gratitude? Why? If you want to make people happy expecting something in return, don’t bother. That’s not how it's supposed to be done.

Don’t give them so much importance that any small potential disregard for you by anyone hurts you. Most of them are unwilling to tell you where you went wrong. Most of them will never care for you upto your expectations. This means most of them will not care for you as much as family. Stop expecting them to be acting like family. Detach yourself from these people. It helps you accomplish your task. Do not worry about offending others. You are not needed and you don’t need them. Get away from the crowd. It's temporary. This is evident from most of the dialogue the group engages in. Discussions are usually limited to events and people. Weak. Rarely are ideas discussed. Rarely are emotions discussed. Keep detached.

It's a bit unfortunate that the profession demands a complete opposite and following the above goes against what one would be expected to do if one was training for the profession rigth now. But if you don't follow this, chances are you will not be able to move forward toward fulfilling this.

शुरा सौ पहचानिये
जो लद्दे दिन के हित
पुर्जा पुर्जा कुठ पड़े
कब हो न चाडे खेत,

जो तौ प्रेम खिलन का चाहो,
सीर धर थली गली मोरे आवो।

shura = brave
pehechaniye = know, characterize
jo = one who
lade = fights
deen = poor, unfortunate
kay hait = for the purpose of
purja = part
kath pade = cut down
tab ho = even then
na chaade = doesn't leave
khait = field
jo tau = if you
prem = love
khilan = game
ka chaho = want of
sir = head
dhar = present
thali = hatheli = palm of hand
gali = way, street
morai = mine
aavo = come


A brave person is known as one who fights for the unfortunate. His body gets cut to pieces, but he refuses to retreat from the battle.
If you decide to fall in love with this game, you shall be knocking on my door with your head on your palms.

It's been fun...mostly.

"Live your life to the fullest and play hard, but also have fun."

What does this mean?

It starts off by telling you to live your life to the fullest. Live your life to the fullest, in other words, remain happy all the time. Is it really in your hands to remain happy all the time? I depend on society around me for my happiness, atleast some of it. I think we all do. So that means society is partly responsible for my happiness. So is it not in my hands to live my life to the fullest then?

Ofcourse it is in your hands to live your life to the fullest. Society is partly responsible for your happiness because you put expectations on society. It is difficult to live without expectations. But it is one of the ways to live your life to the fullest.

“….and play hard,..”

Play hard. Hard work is the only thing that is in your hands. Only hard work will give you happiness. Stop dreading the past and wasting now for later. Life is to live. You can’t live without hard work. There’s a difference between living and surviving. When you live life, you are in command. When you survive, you are obeying the command of someone who is living. When you are living, you are playing hard. When you are surviving, you are just playing along. Only hard work will allow you to live your life to the fullest.

“…but…also have fun…”….???

So am I not having fun when I am living my life to the fullest and playing hard?

“Shit, I need to work hard so I can have fun.”
“Damn it, I better finish my work so I can go live my life a little.”
“What kind of crap am I in? As soon as I am outta here, I ma go actually have fun.”

In these cases, you’re working hard, but you’re not having fun. You are criticizing your work and trying to get yourself away from it. You are not enjoying your work. Play hard, work hard, but have fun doing it. There’s nothing wrong with working to get happiness that you don’t get out of said work. But don’t criticize said work. Criticizing your current work will make you dislike it even more. This work is helping you achieve greater fun. Have fun while working at a boring task….simply because of the fact that some hours or days or years from now, you will not have to do the boring task anymore.

0.99 =/= 1.00

Partial knowledge is as dangerous and as useless as no knowledge.