Life is passing by really fast. Where's the excitement? Where's the desire? The basics seem like they either got left far behind or maybe they're far up ahead. Maybe they're right here. Maybe they're like that one quarter disguised in a pocket full of nickels as your hand desperately tries to find it while you stare hungrily at the kitkat bar in the vending machine that doesn't accept nickels. Its right there, but finding it is going to take some work.

Where is that "right" feeling? That feeling is hidden in what your self does over the day. The feeling is hidden in how content you are with yourself and your surroundings. You want to change your ways, dust away the cloud of fake that's around you. You want to experience the original you. You sit back and think of when and how things started changing, where the discontent cropped up. You can't find an answer. It's tough to change yourself all by yourself. You feel like you need a guru. Someone who you can just blindly throw your weaknesses on and ask them to never give them back to you and train you to stay away from them. But there is no guru. Maybe there is, but nothing quite obvious at hand.

You have the mind. Control your actions using your mind. You are the mind. You are unhappy because your mind and your actions are in contradiction. Your mind knows what work is right. Your mind also has a lot of options to choose from. All it takes is a persistent no to the actions that are unnecessary and a sincere yes to the actions that are to be executed. Mute yourself. Stop talking. Stop wasting extra energy thinking about the future or the past. Indulge yourself in your mind. Dig through those nickels. The quarter is there. You know its there because you remember counting exactly 5 dollars and not 4.75 before you threw that pile in your pocket. You pull out a bunch of em, look at em in the palm of your hand, simple yes/no answer. If you haven't found the last quarter yet, dump the handful and go again.

Free your mind from everything but the quarter. This is not a tough task. It just takes a firm, sincere, and an honest NO.

Who believes in "randomized" structure?

For two of the best athletes in the world, it was as if an entire year passed by without change. Novak sits there with his win after a commendable struggle, just like last year. Roger sits with his loss after 2 match points, exactly in the same fashion as last year. Nothing changed. One played the entire drama with the typical and extremely composed poker face, while the other danced the entire time with his youthful emotional ups and downs. This moment really brings to light what a lot of us refer to when we say "time stood still." It catches my interest because despite of so much randomness that exists in this world today, we continue to witness moments like these that define a very enigmatic type of order that possibly exists at some level that is unknown to, well....most of us.

The clock ticks away one entire year. One works hard to possibly achieve a smoother victory this year, while the other toils to prevent a mishap that happened a year earlier. A year passes. But what really comes of it? Both try to bring a different outcome to an event that in the end seems so fated. So exactly the same. So structured.

Think of something that you are living for right now. We'll call this your element. It could be anything that keeps life moving for you. Your goals, your ambitions, significant others, love, money etc. Try to recall what your status with your element was a year ago, or maybe just a couple months ago. Think of how much it has or hasn't changed. Now think of all the little efforts you've made to actually bring change to your element. Chances are, for most of you who are reading, you've had some sort of change to your element, which at some rough level is justified by your actions. Now try to imagine the status of your element staying exactly the same as it was a year ago. Despite all that has happened around you, despite all you've done, despite all you'd planned. Your bank balance is exactly the same to the penny. Your relationships have stayed exactly the same. Your career is at the exact same point as it was a year ago. How does something stay exactly the same given the randomness around you? It seems abstract, doesn't it?

Maybe I am mistaken. Maybe someone can tell me if I am wrong. But the way the match turned out today made me type up this thought. We live random lives. Most of us will agree that given the variables around us, it is naive to think that you can get a 100% prediction on any event that'll happen so much as even 5 minutes into the future. Our lives seem to be made of unstructured events in an abstract system. Nevertheless, the randomness results in producing exactly the same products sometimes. This is what amazes me. There seems to be order. At some level, there is order, although it remains carefully hidden behind all the entropy. That's all.

Lyrics that matter..

"I think that all the silence is worse than all violence
Fear is such a weak emotion, that's why I despise it
We're scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I'm scared of even telling you
Sometimes I'm like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I'm locked inside a cell in me, I know that there's a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath inhale a few
My screams is finally gettin free, my thoughts is finally yellin through!"

- Lupe Fiasco ft. Skylar Grey "Words"

A littil note on confidence

Here's the thing about posting regularly. Sometimes you get distracted with other things. Yup, other things. I would not be doing this right now if I hadn't been sick and didn't have to stay in bed. I'd probably be playing games or brainstorming how to rule the world or eating dabeli. Cuz that's what I do.

How does one always stay confident? Confidence comes from preparation. Confidence comes from foresight. Foresight in turn comes from preparation and experience. Experience comes from preparation. Goals are important. When I don't have a goal, I do random things. Doing random things isn't necessarily bad. But at the end of doing a random thing, I don't get the same amount of happiness and fun as I get from achieving a goal based on unbelievable strategic execution. Yes, it definitely is as badass as it reads. The more happiness I get, the more fun I have, the more confident I am. So if at any time I find myself unconfident, I guess I could fall back and see if I've prepared for a goal.

I am thankful for the friends I have. I feel I have made good choices in terms of my company. I see clear hearts around me which is very refreshing.. Yes, there are times of discontent and frustration. At times like this, it is important that I realize I am responsible for my own state of being. I admit I am the only one responsible and I am the only one that will be able to change. Only I can make it better. Only I can motivate myself.

Knock Knock

Its just been a long time that’s all.
So then, what s your concern.

I am afraid I'll lose touch.
With friends and family?

Yea, I guess that'd be part of it.
What else?

I am afraid I'll lose touch with myself. I feel I am changing very quickly.
That can't be always bad..

Yea, its not bad. But it’s the feeling you get when you know you're stepping away from a mindset that has been established since a long time.
You're in a different setting. Ofcourse you will have to change some things about your lifestyle that connect you to the society around you. There's no reason to feel out of place about it.

But then, how much change is ok?
That's upto you to decide.

Wtf, that’s not the reply I want.
….

What do I do?
I don't see a problem.

I guess you start getting attached to the new lifestyle. And then you feel guilty about the attachment?
You're human, attachment is human, and change is seldom perfectly under your control. There is no reason to feel guilty for changing. You are not doing anything wrong. As far as I see it, you've still got your basics down and you're not defaulting on them. Don’t be afraid of change. Accept it, and work with it.

And what about the people back home? Family? Friends? Teachers?
They will always be there. You're still only 23, not 60.

And what about the whole "forgetting your roots" ordeal?
Are you doubting yourself?

No….maybe. I am not sure.
Don't doubt yourself. You know you will never end up in that place. Roots are deep. It's not easy to break away from them.

Am I doing anything wrong?
Are you?

Maybe.
Good.

Is there anything wrong with this picture?
Is there?

No.
Good.

Am I thinking too much?
Yes.

Well…?
Go do your work. Stop acting like a child. You've been built to perform. Get to it.

Feelin light

feelin light today. mind relaxed, no stress, no thoughts, no past, no future. its a good feeling. no im not drunk. I wuda drank my first beer a couple days ago but we were too tired to get out of the room. o well...next time. thats all i got. jus wanted to say hi. gonna go watch a movie tonite with family. aite peace.

Man v/s Wild.

I am trying to understand my mind. Discussion is welcome, retaliation is not.

Scantily dressed girls and boys trying to attract. People say they are there just to have fun. They are right. Fun for them is the rush they get when they sell each other to the opposite sex.....mostly. Alcohol allows them to open themselves up. I don’t know what that means. Yes, I’ve seen some people interact in more intimate/uninhibited ways when they are under the influence of alcohol than what they would do if they weren’t drinking. I feel if you think there is nothing wrong with what you're doing, you should not need alcohol to catalyze your actions.

When people are sober or not in a club, they are mostly in the eyes of society. They are bound by eyes and rules that a human society follows. When they are in such a society, they can’t behave like animals. I don’t want to make this sound negative and judgemental. When a person wants to feel free, he or she tends to advocate animal instinct. This is what happens when they go to clubs. They get a sense of freedom when they are surrounded by people with similar mindsets and similar limits.

Someone says, “You are not going to be able to get a girl with a mindset against clubs and alcohol. You should try to fit in more.”

Now this person is not trying to insult me. He/she wants me to have the fun that they are being able to have with clubs and alcohol. The reason I want to say no to this person is because I feel these things are an illusion. They give you temporary happiness. The feelings that two people have for each other under the influence of alcohol don't necessarily last. At the club, a guy approaches a girl, explains his interest in her, gets shot down, doesn’t care, moves on and tries to find another girl. The girl moves to another guy. Isn’t this what animals do? I am not saying its wrong or bad. But if you engage in behavior like this, don’t you feel you are living a contradictory life when you are not in such a setting?

It is true that right now, I don’t have an inner urge to go to clubs and drink alcohol for some reason. I am not trying to fight myself when I present my reasoning against these things. Its just something I don’t “feel” for whatever reason. Not everything is under my control and so there’s a chance that, in the future this mindset might change. I hope it doesn’t happen.

Knowing Oneself

"There are no pacts between Lions and men....You won't have eyes tonight, you won't have ears or a tongue. You will wander the underworld blind, deaf and dumb and all the dead will know; This is Hector, the fool who thought he killed Achilles."
- Myrmidon Achilles (Troy)

As thoughts break free, how do you react?

These few days are turning out to be a good test. It is at times like these that you must be mentally very strong. As the mind is relaxed, it is bringing to you many possibilities. All of these possibilities have positivity attached with them. However, you are aware of the fact that some possibilities are, well, not entirely feasible considering how things are playing out right now. Encouraging your mind in a given direction might not be the right thing to do. You consciously decide to be mindful of this but at times, it is difficult to take your mind off the direction. What do you do?

Force yourself to think otherwise? Despise yourself? Get angry at yourself? Punch?

Accept. Accept what you feel. Accept that there are possibilities. Accept that your mind is engaging itself in these possibilities. If you think it is not the right way to go, make a decision not to go this way. You are strong enough to respect the decisions you make. The point is, there is no use forcing yourself against something that is hardwired inside you, something that is natural. If you force yourself, you will not be able to learn how your mind behaves in certain situations. You will not be able to train your mind to be strong, to make the right decisions at times that matter.

15th August, 2009

Let us not forget that freedom and independence comes at a great expense.
Let us not forget how united we were 62 years from today.
Let us not forget the strength that lies within this unity.
Let us not forget the heroes that took the initiative.
Let us not forget the heroes that continued inspite of the massacre.
Let us not forget the heroes that became martyrs with smiles.
The smiles were not of insanity.
The smiles were of trust.
They trusted with the fruits of their sacrifice.

Let us remember our strengths, let us always work on improving our weaknesses.
Let us have more knowledge of the mistakes of the past.
Let us utilize the power of memories.
Let us fire ourselves up with the power of positive emotion.
Let us keep moving.
Let us create a stronger, newer generation that can respect and uphold our traditions.
Let us always be confident, calm and alert.
Let us uphold respect,
Let us uphold peace,
Let us uphold unity.

I am not needed, and I don't need.

You need your family. Family understands. You have your close family which comprises of your mother, father and sister. Then you have another close family which comprises of your friends that you can talk to without mentally calculating the things you are saying to them, just like your immediate family, if not more freely. These are the people that understand you without thought. These are the people you can talk to without carefully formulating your dialogue. These are the people that your Self is comfortable with. If you are not comfortable with someone, don’t bother.

This is a pretty goal oriented and sensitive group. But the group doesn't need you nor do you need the group. Don’t let little things disturb your mental stability. Keeping people happy is not a requirement. It's only your personal choice. When you try to make people happy, do you start expecting them to be happy and recognize you as a source of their happiness, thereby expecting more? What are you expecting? Praise? Gratitude? Why? If you want to make people happy expecting something in return, don’t bother. That’s not how it's supposed to be done.

Don’t give them so much importance that any small potential disregard for you by anyone hurts you. Most of them are unwilling to tell you where you went wrong. Most of them will never care for you upto your expectations. This means most of them will not care for you as much as family. Stop expecting them to be acting like family. Detach yourself from these people. It helps you accomplish your task. Do not worry about offending others. You are not needed and you don’t need them. Get away from the crowd. It's temporary. This is evident from most of the dialogue the group engages in. Discussions are usually limited to events and people. Weak. Rarely are ideas discussed. Rarely are emotions discussed. Keep detached.

It's a bit unfortunate that the profession demands a complete opposite and following the above goes against what one would be expected to do if one was training for the profession rigth now. But if you don't follow this, chances are you will not be able to move forward toward fulfilling this.

शुरा सौ पहचानिये
जो लद्दे दिन के हित
पुर्जा पुर्जा कुठ पड़े
कब हो न चाडे खेत,

जो तौ प्रेम खिलन का चाहो,
सीर धर थली गली मोरे आवो।

shura = brave
pehechaniye = know, characterize
jo = one who
lade = fights
deen = poor, unfortunate
kay hait = for the purpose of
purja = part
kath pade = cut down
tab ho = even then
na chaade = doesn't leave
khait = field
jo tau = if you
prem = love
khilan = game
ka chaho = want of
sir = head
dhar = present
thali = hatheli = palm of hand
gali = way, street
morai = mine
aavo = come


A brave person is known as one who fights for the unfortunate. His body gets cut to pieces, but he refuses to retreat from the battle.
If you decide to fall in love with this game, you shall be knocking on my door with your head on your palms.

It's been fun...mostly.

"Live your life to the fullest and play hard, but also have fun."

What does this mean?

It starts off by telling you to live your life to the fullest. Live your life to the fullest, in other words, remain happy all the time. Is it really in your hands to remain happy all the time? I depend on society around me for my happiness, atleast some of it. I think we all do. So that means society is partly responsible for my happiness. So is it not in my hands to live my life to the fullest then?

Ofcourse it is in your hands to live your life to the fullest. Society is partly responsible for your happiness because you put expectations on society. It is difficult to live without expectations. But it is one of the ways to live your life to the fullest.

“….and play hard,..”

Play hard. Hard work is the only thing that is in your hands. Only hard work will give you happiness. Stop dreading the past and wasting now for later. Life is to live. You can’t live without hard work. There’s a difference between living and surviving. When you live life, you are in command. When you survive, you are obeying the command of someone who is living. When you are living, you are playing hard. When you are surviving, you are just playing along. Only hard work will allow you to live your life to the fullest.

“…but…also have fun…”….???

So am I not having fun when I am living my life to the fullest and playing hard?

“Shit, I need to work hard so I can have fun.”
“Damn it, I better finish my work so I can go live my life a little.”
“What kind of crap am I in? As soon as I am outta here, I ma go actually have fun.”

In these cases, you’re working hard, but you’re not having fun. You are criticizing your work and trying to get yourself away from it. You are not enjoying your work. Play hard, work hard, but have fun doing it. There’s nothing wrong with working to get happiness that you don’t get out of said work. But don’t criticize said work. Criticizing your current work will make you dislike it even more. This work is helping you achieve greater fun. Have fun while working at a boring task….simply because of the fact that some hours or days or years from now, you will not have to do the boring task anymore.

0.99 =/= 1.00

Partial knowledge is as dangerous and as useless as no knowledge.

When he was asked why, he said...

"...I was born, and This is who I am."
- Myrmidon Achilles.

Mission: Refresh Confidence.....[Status: 100%]

Aah, and there’s that same smell again…..

“The clock hits time, and it’s the same as last year. Same people and the same rise of emotion, nothing has changed. The beginning seems to be the same, but there is a possibility the end could be different…
I have ME and I have MY TEAM, and starting today, we start running exactly as we did last time. We’ll deal with the finish when it’s in sight, just like last time. My team and I are looking forward to enjoy the start, just like last time. We know this fight requires more than words. We know we have much more than words. Some things have changed. We are Now a team of Lions that just got a taste of what it means to be King, and let me tell you this….. We Like It. With all my sincerity and humility, I wish my team and me Goodluck and Godspeed to the end.”

Let’s run this episode one more time.

Good luck Vijayta,

Mrunal

And that defining moment of Life

//seq_initiate.thought@0.0//

Pressure inculcates the Fun associated with Challenge. A mindset out of this implies Weakness. Would you like to be called Weak?

//.....in progress//


//seq_initiate.thought@0.1//

Humility is the most essential.

//....in progress//

//seq_initiate.thought@0.2//

Question/Problem: Confused? Does said confusion have anything to do outside basic goals?

Answer: Yes

Solution: Stick to basic goal. Discard everything else.

//.....in progress//

....Please Remain Calm.

Mess in Progress....

Please Remain Calm....

Its interesting to see how different people are here. People here seem to be afraid to reveal themselves. Everybody seems so artificial. I am not sure why. All of them are Americans, people that I have lived with for the last six years. Nevertheless, I feel I am in some different, newly conditioned aura where noobs don't exactly remember how they've lived life so far. Bad part is, I am watching myself being dragged slowly towards this. There's nothing new about this place, yet, I and a lot of others seem to be involuntarily changing true nature to adapt.

ASIDE: Maybe its just the lack of desis that makes me feel like this. lol. There is not ONE single true desi that I have come across so far. So many Indians, 32% of our class is Indians. Not one desi that you can call a true to the root desi. You know....like Panchal, or Deep, or Mosavi, or for that matter...even Sammy. Heck, Sammy is far more desi than a lot of Indians here...lol. Peace Sammy...u da mayne.

EDIT: No offense is intended towards desis here. I have lived most of my life with a different group of people. I am not trying to hurt feelings here. People here are different than people I grew up with. That's all.

Maybe I need to give it more time. But I didn't feel like this even when I first moved out to the States. That's what's confusing me. There is no need to change yourselves but I am getting a feeling that somehow people are being compelled to change themselves. You have to study medicine. Thats all you have to do. As long as you study and pass, there's nothing anyone can do to you that could harm you. But I feel a lot of people are failing to grasp this and are being dragged into other stuff. Even academically.

For example, I am being bombarded with 60 different ways to study from people that keep getting them from higher students. This is not bad, as long as you can keep yourself sane and to your goals. Sometimes, when you get a lot of options, you tend to forget your originality. The problem with new ways that take you to the same destination is that these ways are new to your mind. So you have to spend some time learning this way, and then make it part of your lifestyle after getting rid of the old style that was working already. This is taken by our minds as a longer, harder task. This makes us vulnerable to distraction ultimately putting off the adaptation thus adding more lag time to actually working towards your goal. I have also been dragged a bit into this I think.The bad part is, if someone refuses to conform to these ways, there is a chance that their circle will shrink.

But if it's what you gotta do, you gotta do it. When I landed my flight here, I came up to the guard gate asking for my room key. Basically the administration had some problems with housing and I didn't have a place to go to. Arguments and anger was exchanged...Long story short, I was standing there outside wondering what the hell I was going to do. My taxi driver comes up to me and tells me, "I've seen many students like you son. Remember, you are on your own. You gotta find a way for you. No one here gonna get out of their way to help you." He was right, not just about here, but about life in general. People have their own lives, and expecting anything out of their lives is foolishness. Its just hard to live in an individual manner as such. But live and learn.

On a side note, I know less of these other people in my class. But I think these people are the ones that are not being dragged in. They are the ones that have an original way and are sticking fairly well to it. In any case, the aim is to take a rather individual approach to this now. Individuality that doesn't hurt friends or close ones. Individuality with no negative kicks to it. That's the goal. More on this later...

Your Self is on its own. Get a load of this.

Don’t let your ego kill you. You might not be the best. You are probably attempting to become the best. That’s about as far as your current disposition/mentality can carry your ego. Your ego possesses the potential to make you lie to your Self. This is dangerous because it blocks possible improvement of character and Self. Worse, it can drag you into alternate pathways of living under of illusion of being the best. And considering the fact that everybody dies at a point, we don’t have infinite time to live. What one needs to realize is that ego is something separate from one’s entity or one’s Self. It is something that forces your Self to involuntarily involve in action that is harmful.

Wouldn’t you hate it if when you were eating a good meal at the end of your day, someone came up to you and just told you as a matter of fact that you couldn’t eat anymore since he had more authority over your food than you did….even though you had done nothing to deserve being under such authority? Ego is similar to this sort of authority. There is little difference between ego and the man trying take away your food. In the latter case, you actually realize that something unjust is being done to you and feel humiliated. Thus your Self triggers a response to get justice. You deny or fight to keep what you deserve. And chances are, if you rightly deserve the food, no one will be able to take it away from you. With ego, your Self doesn’t really get this privilege. Your ego tells your Self that it is not supposed to think of improving itself since it is just as good as the opponent. Now, your Self can fight it by claiming that its not the best. But this is where the fight ends. Even though your Self rightly deserves justice to that claim, it's not guaranteed justice by default. When ego strikes, your Self cannot do anything but give it a little resistance and hope to get a result while that resistance is still effective.

To actually improve yourself to become the best, it takes a lot of time, patience and effort. Ego has a better chance at this fight against your resistance because of these immense resources that your resistance requires. Ego does not need these resources. It uses illusion to tell your Self to give up its resistance. Illusions don’t need anything concrete to prove them right. Illusions just use the weakness of the eyes they are fooling. Ego uses such illusion. It shows you alternate results that are not resource draining but will never get you to your original goals. This is what is popularly known as a compromise. And once you compromise with an alternate result, ego is nourished. This results in ego further fooling your Self into believing that this alternate result is much more desirable that your original goal.

Why give so much importance to your original goals? Some goals are very difficult while others are easy. Every goal is achievable. Make one goal. There is a certain amount of difficulty involved in achieving this goal. If you find yourself thinking about something that is just as good but is much more easier to do than this goal, MORE OFTEN than more often than not, this is ego fooling your Self. Try to give your Self a better reason to give up your current goal for the alternate than just telling your Self that the alternate has just about the same result without using as much effort. When you originally made the goal, there was a reason behind it. There was a passion attached with it. There was a sense of self worth attached to it. These are the factors that your Self is made of. The alternate does not have these factors. It just has the quality of being easier than your current goal. And just because it is easier, will you completely disrespect your Self by voiding it of all the passion and rationale that it possessed initially?

Don’t measure your life by the end result. End results seldom accurately justify the means. And as far as I am concerned end results are useless. Death is the end. Birth is the beginning. Life is the means of achieving this unpleasant end. This doesn’t mean every person born should just die since death is the end result anyway. This would be the fastest, easiest and most efficient way to achieve the end result of death, wouldn’t it?

Your Self wants you to do something worthwhile before it ceases to exist. The Self is voluntarily putting itself through effort for a fated end for some reason. The reason is not clear. Society? Culture? The purpose of life? Happiness? We don’t know. But we do know that living is an innate necessity of the Self. I will continue on this later since we are now going into a different direction.