I am thankful for the friends I have. I feel I have made good choices in terms of my company. I see clear hearts around me which is very refreshing.. Yes, there are times of discontent and frustration. At times like this, it is important that I realize I am responsible for my own state of being. I admit I am the only one responsible and I am the only one that will be able to change. Only I can make it better. Only I can motivate myself.

Knock Knock

Its just been a long time that’s all.
So then, what s your concern.

I am afraid I'll lose touch.
With friends and family?

Yea, I guess that'd be part of it.
What else?

I am afraid I'll lose touch with myself. I feel I am changing very quickly.
That can't be always bad..

Yea, its not bad. But it’s the feeling you get when you know you're stepping away from a mindset that has been established since a long time.
You're in a different setting. Ofcourse you will have to change some things about your lifestyle that connect you to the society around you. There's no reason to feel out of place about it.

But then, how much change is ok?
That's upto you to decide.

Wtf, that’s not the reply I want.
….

What do I do?
I don't see a problem.

I guess you start getting attached to the new lifestyle. And then you feel guilty about the attachment?
You're human, attachment is human, and change is seldom perfectly under your control. There is no reason to feel guilty for changing. You are not doing anything wrong. As far as I see it, you've still got your basics down and you're not defaulting on them. Don’t be afraid of change. Accept it, and work with it.

And what about the people back home? Family? Friends? Teachers?
They will always be there. You're still only 23, not 60.

And what about the whole "forgetting your roots" ordeal?
Are you doubting yourself?

No….maybe. I am not sure.
Don't doubt yourself. You know you will never end up in that place. Roots are deep. It's not easy to break away from them.

Am I doing anything wrong?
Are you?

Maybe.
Good.

Is there anything wrong with this picture?
Is there?

No.
Good.

Am I thinking too much?
Yes.

Well…?
Go do your work. Stop acting like a child. You've been built to perform. Get to it.

Feelin light

feelin light today. mind relaxed, no stress, no thoughts, no past, no future. its a good feeling. no im not drunk. I wuda drank my first beer a couple days ago but we were too tired to get out of the room. o well...next time. thats all i got. jus wanted to say hi. gonna go watch a movie tonite with family. aite peace.

Man v/s Wild.

I am trying to understand my mind. Discussion is welcome, retaliation is not.

Scantily dressed girls and boys trying to attract. People say they are there just to have fun. They are right. Fun for them is the rush they get when they sell each other to the opposite sex.....mostly. Alcohol allows them to open themselves up. I don’t know what that means. Yes, I’ve seen some people interact in more intimate/uninhibited ways when they are under the influence of alcohol than what they would do if they weren’t drinking. I feel if you think there is nothing wrong with what you're doing, you should not need alcohol to catalyze your actions.

When people are sober or not in a club, they are mostly in the eyes of society. They are bound by eyes and rules that a human society follows. When they are in such a society, they can’t behave like animals. I don’t want to make this sound negative and judgemental. When a person wants to feel free, he or she tends to advocate animal instinct. This is what happens when they go to clubs. They get a sense of freedom when they are surrounded by people with similar mindsets and similar limits.

Someone says, “You are not going to be able to get a girl with a mindset against clubs and alcohol. You should try to fit in more.”

Now this person is not trying to insult me. He/she wants me to have the fun that they are being able to have with clubs and alcohol. The reason I want to say no to this person is because I feel these things are an illusion. They give you temporary happiness. The feelings that two people have for each other under the influence of alcohol don't necessarily last. At the club, a guy approaches a girl, explains his interest in her, gets shot down, doesn’t care, moves on and tries to find another girl. The girl moves to another guy. Isn’t this what animals do? I am not saying its wrong or bad. But if you engage in behavior like this, don’t you feel you are living a contradictory life when you are not in such a setting?

It is true that right now, I don’t have an inner urge to go to clubs and drink alcohol for some reason. I am not trying to fight myself when I present my reasoning against these things. Its just something I don’t “feel” for whatever reason. Not everything is under my control and so there’s a chance that, in the future this mindset might change. I hope it doesn’t happen.

Knowing Oneself

"There are no pacts between Lions and men....You won't have eyes tonight, you won't have ears or a tongue. You will wander the underworld blind, deaf and dumb and all the dead will know; This is Hector, the fool who thought he killed Achilles."
- Myrmidon Achilles (Troy)

As thoughts break free, how do you react?

These few days are turning out to be a good test. It is at times like these that you must be mentally very strong. As the mind is relaxed, it is bringing to you many possibilities. All of these possibilities have positivity attached with them. However, you are aware of the fact that some possibilities are, well, not entirely feasible considering how things are playing out right now. Encouraging your mind in a given direction might not be the right thing to do. You consciously decide to be mindful of this but at times, it is difficult to take your mind off the direction. What do you do?

Force yourself to think otherwise? Despise yourself? Get angry at yourself? Punch?

Accept. Accept what you feel. Accept that there are possibilities. Accept that your mind is engaging itself in these possibilities. If you think it is not the right way to go, make a decision not to go this way. You are strong enough to respect the decisions you make. The point is, there is no use forcing yourself against something that is hardwired inside you, something that is natural. If you force yourself, you will not be able to learn how your mind behaves in certain situations. You will not be able to train your mind to be strong, to make the right decisions at times that matter.

15th August, 2009

Let us not forget that freedom and independence comes at a great expense.
Let us not forget how united we were 62 years from today.
Let us not forget the strength that lies within this unity.
Let us not forget the heroes that took the initiative.
Let us not forget the heroes that continued inspite of the massacre.
Let us not forget the heroes that became martyrs with smiles.
The smiles were not of insanity.
The smiles were of trust.
They trusted with the fruits of their sacrifice.

Let us remember our strengths, let us always work on improving our weaknesses.
Let us have more knowledge of the mistakes of the past.
Let us utilize the power of memories.
Let us fire ourselves up with the power of positive emotion.
Let us keep moving.
Let us create a stronger, newer generation that can respect and uphold our traditions.
Let us always be confident, calm and alert.
Let us uphold respect,
Let us uphold peace,
Let us uphold unity.

I am not needed, and I don't need.

You need your family. Family understands. You have your close family which comprises of your mother, father and sister. Then you have another close family which comprises of your friends that you can talk to without mentally calculating the things you are saying to them, just like your immediate family, if not more freely. These are the people that understand you without thought. These are the people you can talk to without carefully formulating your dialogue. These are the people that your Self is comfortable with. If you are not comfortable with someone, don’t bother.

This is a pretty goal oriented and sensitive group. But the group doesn't need you nor do you need the group. Don’t let little things disturb your mental stability. Keeping people happy is not a requirement. It's only your personal choice. When you try to make people happy, do you start expecting them to be happy and recognize you as a source of their happiness, thereby expecting more? What are you expecting? Praise? Gratitude? Why? If you want to make people happy expecting something in return, don’t bother. That’s not how it's supposed to be done.

Don’t give them so much importance that any small potential disregard for you by anyone hurts you. Most of them are unwilling to tell you where you went wrong. Most of them will never care for you upto your expectations. This means most of them will not care for you as much as family. Stop expecting them to be acting like family. Detach yourself from these people. It helps you accomplish your task. Do not worry about offending others. You are not needed and you don’t need them. Get away from the crowd. It's temporary. This is evident from most of the dialogue the group engages in. Discussions are usually limited to events and people. Weak. Rarely are ideas discussed. Rarely are emotions discussed. Keep detached.

It's a bit unfortunate that the profession demands a complete opposite and following the above goes against what one would be expected to do if one was training for the profession rigth now. But if you don't follow this, chances are you will not be able to move forward toward fulfilling this.

शुरा सौ पहचानिये
जो लद्दे दिन के हित
पुर्जा पुर्जा कुठ पड़े
कब हो न चाडे खेत,

जो तौ प्रेम खिलन का चाहो,
सीर धर थली गली मोरे आवो।

shura = brave
pehechaniye = know, characterize
jo = one who
lade = fights
deen = poor, unfortunate
kay hait = for the purpose of
purja = part
kath pade = cut down
tab ho = even then
na chaade = doesn't leave
khait = field
jo tau = if you
prem = love
khilan = game
ka chaho = want of
sir = head
dhar = present
thali = hatheli = palm of hand
gali = way, street
morai = mine
aavo = come


A brave person is known as one who fights for the unfortunate. His body gets cut to pieces, but he refuses to retreat from the battle.
If you decide to fall in love with this game, you shall be knocking on my door with your head on your palms.

It's been fun...mostly.

"Live your life to the fullest and play hard, but also have fun."

What does this mean?

It starts off by telling you to live your life to the fullest. Live your life to the fullest, in other words, remain happy all the time. Is it really in your hands to remain happy all the time? I depend on society around me for my happiness, atleast some of it. I think we all do. So that means society is partly responsible for my happiness. So is it not in my hands to live my life to the fullest then?

Ofcourse it is in your hands to live your life to the fullest. Society is partly responsible for your happiness because you put expectations on society. It is difficult to live without expectations. But it is one of the ways to live your life to the fullest.

“….and play hard,..”

Play hard. Hard work is the only thing that is in your hands. Only hard work will give you happiness. Stop dreading the past and wasting now for later. Life is to live. You can’t live without hard work. There’s a difference between living and surviving. When you live life, you are in command. When you survive, you are obeying the command of someone who is living. When you are living, you are playing hard. When you are surviving, you are just playing along. Only hard work will allow you to live your life to the fullest.

“…but…also have fun…”….???

So am I not having fun when I am living my life to the fullest and playing hard?

“Shit, I need to work hard so I can have fun.”
“Damn it, I better finish my work so I can go live my life a little.”
“What kind of crap am I in? As soon as I am outta here, I ma go actually have fun.”

In these cases, you’re working hard, but you’re not having fun. You are criticizing your work and trying to get yourself away from it. You are not enjoying your work. Play hard, work hard, but have fun doing it. There’s nothing wrong with working to get happiness that you don’t get out of said work. But don’t criticize said work. Criticizing your current work will make you dislike it even more. This work is helping you achieve greater fun. Have fun while working at a boring task….simply because of the fact that some hours or days or years from now, you will not have to do the boring task anymore.

0.99 =/= 1.00

Partial knowledge is as dangerous and as useless as no knowledge.

When he was asked why, he said...

"...I was born, and This is who I am."
- Myrmidon Achilles.

Mission: Refresh Confidence.....[Status: 100%]

Aah, and there’s that same smell again…..

“The clock hits time, and it’s the same as last year. Same people and the same rise of emotion, nothing has changed. The beginning seems to be the same, but there is a possibility the end could be different…
I have ME and I have MY TEAM, and starting today, we start running exactly as we did last time. We’ll deal with the finish when it’s in sight, just like last time. My team and I are looking forward to enjoy the start, just like last time. We know this fight requires more than words. We know we have much more than words. Some things have changed. We are Now a team of Lions that just got a taste of what it means to be King, and let me tell you this….. We Like It. With all my sincerity and humility, I wish my team and me Goodluck and Godspeed to the end.”

Let’s run this episode one more time.

Good luck Vijayta,

Mrunal

And that defining moment of Life

//seq_initiate.thought@0.0//

Pressure inculcates the Fun associated with Challenge. A mindset out of this implies Weakness. Would you like to be called Weak?

//.....in progress//


//seq_initiate.thought@0.1//

Humility is the most essential.

//....in progress//

//seq_initiate.thought@0.2//

Question/Problem: Confused? Does said confusion have anything to do outside basic goals?

Answer: Yes

Solution: Stick to basic goal. Discard everything else.

//.....in progress//

....Please Remain Calm.

Mess in Progress....

Please Remain Calm....

Its interesting to see how different people are here. People here seem to be afraid to reveal themselves. Everybody seems so artificial. I am not sure why. All of them are Americans, people that I have lived with for the last six years. Nevertheless, I feel I am in some different, newly conditioned aura where noobs don't exactly remember how they've lived life so far. Bad part is, I am watching myself being dragged slowly towards this. There's nothing new about this place, yet, I and a lot of others seem to be involuntarily changing true nature to adapt.

ASIDE: Maybe its just the lack of desis that makes me feel like this. lol. There is not ONE single true desi that I have come across so far. So many Indians, 32% of our class is Indians. Not one desi that you can call a true to the root desi. You know....like Panchal, or Deep, or Mosavi, or for that matter...even Sammy. Heck, Sammy is far more desi than a lot of Indians here...lol. Peace Sammy...u da mayne.

EDIT: No offense is intended towards desis here. I have lived most of my life with a different group of people. I am not trying to hurt feelings here. People here are different than people I grew up with. That's all.

Maybe I need to give it more time. But I didn't feel like this even when I first moved out to the States. That's what's confusing me. There is no need to change yourselves but I am getting a feeling that somehow people are being compelled to change themselves. You have to study medicine. Thats all you have to do. As long as you study and pass, there's nothing anyone can do to you that could harm you. But I feel a lot of people are failing to grasp this and are being dragged into other stuff. Even academically.

For example, I am being bombarded with 60 different ways to study from people that keep getting them from higher students. This is not bad, as long as you can keep yourself sane and to your goals. Sometimes, when you get a lot of options, you tend to forget your originality. The problem with new ways that take you to the same destination is that these ways are new to your mind. So you have to spend some time learning this way, and then make it part of your lifestyle after getting rid of the old style that was working already. This is taken by our minds as a longer, harder task. This makes us vulnerable to distraction ultimately putting off the adaptation thus adding more lag time to actually working towards your goal. I have also been dragged a bit into this I think.The bad part is, if someone refuses to conform to these ways, there is a chance that their circle will shrink.

But if it's what you gotta do, you gotta do it. When I landed my flight here, I came up to the guard gate asking for my room key. Basically the administration had some problems with housing and I didn't have a place to go to. Arguments and anger was exchanged...Long story short, I was standing there outside wondering what the hell I was going to do. My taxi driver comes up to me and tells me, "I've seen many students like you son. Remember, you are on your own. You gotta find a way for you. No one here gonna get out of their way to help you." He was right, not just about here, but about life in general. People have their own lives, and expecting anything out of their lives is foolishness. Its just hard to live in an individual manner as such. But live and learn.

On a side note, I know less of these other people in my class. But I think these people are the ones that are not being dragged in. They are the ones that have an original way and are sticking fairly well to it. In any case, the aim is to take a rather individual approach to this now. Individuality that doesn't hurt friends or close ones. Individuality with no negative kicks to it. That's the goal. More on this later...