Oct 28, 1986

Today is my birthday. So I have decided that I will make a little basic sketch of how I am going to make the plan work.

First I need to become a doctor.
Then I need to somehow dominate the world.

But first I need to become a doctor.

Closed quarters combat.

"85" he said. But then after a couple seconds he saw and it wasn't 85 so he said, "Wait, its 90."
He didn't get a response.

He was wondering why not and he realized it wasn't 90 anymore. So he said, "Wait, its 95."
No response.

"Three figures?" he asked. And ofcourse it happened. So he said, "110"
There was a smile but a very indifferent sort of smile.

It was now time to close the quarters.
He pulled the blade down. It was shining very elegantly in the moonlight.
This was now his space.
A place that would not vent anything except for that distinct thumping sound he was hearing.

He was wondering what the smile could have meant when it was time for an update.
He made sure he was reading the figure correctly. He said, "160"
The quarters were now getting uncomfortably warm.
Now he was consciously hesitating to look.

What he saw raised his eyebrows.
He could still hear that sound, although a lot more clear this time.

Finally he exclaimed in disbelief, "What, 179? Is this a dream or one of those multidimensional theory jokes?".....

.....And god said, "288. No, it's not a dream. And god forbid you take it as a joke."

and there was light.

It's all about working with what you got!

There are things you learn from everyday life. Sometimes you tend to question these things and out of these questions is born confidence, either the destruction or the construction of it.

So where am I going with this?

Circumstances have led me to see the life that I lead as being very close to optimum. Yes, there are flaws here and there. I see these flaws as those born out of very basic mistakes.

So where am I going with this?

There are times when I underestimate myself. There are times when I sense the inferiority complex inside me. It is not a very pleasant feeling when you write stuff like this about yourself. I don’t immediately realize that I am being a victim of inferiority complex when I am going through it. You perform the exact same task under two different or maybe the same environments. The results vary.

So where am I going with this?

When you get the results, you realize whether you have been a victim of inferiority complex or not. You then realize that you are potentially a far more efficient person than what you thought you were. Such are the circumstances when life seems very close to optimum. After feeling this, you start analyzing your mistakes. And as I have said above, mistakes always seem very basic.

So where am I going with this?

Lack of self control. Controlling myself is controlling my mind. There are times when I am calm and I am not thinking about anything but what is exactly in front of my eyes. This is a very relaxing feeling. There is a satisfaction that you are not worrying about anything that is not present. This is because everything else is accounted for. You feel so organized and controlled that nothing else can disturb your composure. At times like this, I have never been a victim of inferiority complex.

Finally, under these circumstances there is an unexplainable aggression inside you which gives you a tremendous ability to focus on your current task and like a beautifully planned out domino circuit, it falls out in perfect harmony.

हैं आंखों में जूनून
है ख्वाबों में जूनून
सपनो को फिर सजाये
उम्मीदों को जगाये ये जूनून


P.S. I think every cricket team should have a mascot. Mascots are cool. The mascot of the Indian team should be a heart. The Pakistanis can also have it if they want. Australians should be foxes. Sri Lankans should be pandas. South Africans should be tigers. The British should be half brains. Lol no offense. West Indians should be monkeys.

So where am I going with this?

Indians and Pakistanis should have ONE cricket team. That would put an end to that one drama that happens every three years…..umm what’s it called? ….o yeah….the World Cup.

War = Destructive Conditioning?

A Handicapped Effort for Peace


Swords mindlessly blister humanity for one man
Shields aggressively defend murderers for one man

I sit in waves and stare at the horizon
The radio briefing me with war torn news
I take my stare off the calm setting sun
The harsh briefings cloak these beautiful views.

A mother sits afraid watching her “first world” roll
No, she is not afraid of robbers or gangsters
Her son at the Line fights and spends his soul
His life at stake makes mom blind to all laughter

It’s hard to relieve mom of her pain
It’s hard to stop sending brothers to war
Because it’s hard for some to give up gain
And so those some make brotherhood bizarre

I sit in these waves thinking of that mom
A mother who wants her son away from all pain
The fears that sting her soul when the news is on
When silent prayers and letters of ink dim away in the rain

So when the lines are drawn and victories decided
When martyrdom is praised by all but those of the dead

Peace is what I pray for to this world in vain
Peace is what I pray for to this world in vain

"No, I think we are just getting started."

Today was a day like no other. That old confidence showing its face while still under an enormous heap of useless junk. Today I worked hard. Today I felt I had experienced, though on a very minor scale, what it is to be a man, what it is to be human. Today I realized the happiness that comes from pain. Today I realized I still have a shot. So I thought….

What happens when you lose?

It is at times you lose that you get a chance…

A chance to prove that you will never give,
A chance to rectify,
A chance to responsibility,
A chance to become a hero,
A chance to follow the principles of your idols,
A chance to bounce back,
A chance to teach yourself,
A chance to speak to yourself,
A chance to be known,
A chance to believe,
A chance to hope,

A chance to Stand and Fight,

A chance…..

To defend your honor.

Status: Mission abort sequence on hold...

So I haven't written anything in a while. Here we go.....

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World Mad World

Enlargen your world
Mad World

- Gary Jules
Mad World

Hope are the shield; Memories become the sword

and he realized….
There were times summers really existed;
when he spent them playing cricket in the scorching sun.
He doesn't see summer anymore,
There's only video games and air conditioned 'fun.'

He remembers times called winters, when
he slept under a blanket within the chilled walls of the den,
Ain't nothing a winter,
when you ask mercy of an electric heater.

He remembers times that they called monsoons;
Them rain drops used to come and make him play,
Like a three year old child
splashing and screaming in the puddles of clay.
The streets came alive as water gushed down the hose,
Moms yelled, “Come back, or you’re sure to run your nose.”
Friends rolled along; no matter what age we belonged!

Then time rolled,
and the world turned,
and people changed…..

Them rain drops still shower, and the winds still blow,
He recalls memories of the distant lands and lets his eyes flow
He has no more puddles, just a neat and cozy room now,
No more old time friends as he looks out of the window.
A wet street outside, drenched in rain as he blinks;
No live motion at sight but a couple of cars, he thinks,
"Wow, now I don't even get monsoon here, it stinks!"

He remembers the friends he made;
Friends he made with the innocence of childhood,
Not with mature choices;
Mature choices always only made business partners.

He is thankful for getting this Promised Land,
But wishes he could get back to Her at the end.
What he had borrowed at the start out of Her is Hers.
There will be a lot that he will earn
from the little he had borrowed with his little hands.
He is sure mother will be proud when he returns,
with all heart and the elements that belong to her lands.

As Temporary Times Unfold.....

So music really inspires me. This is something that I really can't explain. Five minutes ago I was thinking of writing something over here and I put it off as I really didn't want to do it. Right now I am listening to songs from Rang De Basanti and I can't stop writing. It's just something that puts me in a world that is mine. It is ridiculously relaxing. All I can feel right now is the enjoyment I get from the music. I am guessing that's why my people believe music is very close to God. I don't really know what I want to write right now. I am recalling a scene that happened a year from now. It was a normal day. We went to school and sat in one of the lecture halls to study as we didn't have any room in the library. Anand then comes up with this thought that after two years we will all be on our separate ways and we might not be able to see each other. I am smiling right now thinking of it. There was a time in India when I was with Dhvanil and Nisarg watching the movie. We were wondering whether it could really happen to us. This moment was exactly like the one that took place today. Less than a year after that, it was decided that I am going to USA. When Anand told me that sentence, I was completely indifferent. I didn't want that to happen, but I did not want to say anything about it either. I told him that I might not even be alive after two years.

Why does money have to be so important that you have to lose your best friends and life for it?These moments that I am going through with my friends right now will never be available to me again. How will I feel when I think about these times ten years from now? Anand asked me to promise me that I will keep in contact. "Keeping in contact" doesn't mean anything to me. Lol, I am still in contact with Gagan, Dhvanil and Nisarg, am I not? But its never the same. Its never going to be the same. Its all because of money. Money kills. At least I have my family that will be with me until the end.

Wow, listen to this....

......मेरी पतंग हो बेफिकर उड़ रही है माँ
डोर कोई लुटे नहीं, बीच से काटे ना.....

I think this man is trying to emotionally take over me or something. A.R. Rahman is the pinnacle of music. Really! Music can change my mood tremendously. Why can't I make music like this when I grow up? I can't see anything like that anywhere in my future. But I hope I will make music like this when I grow up. And once I do it, I hope it will impact someone like it has impacted me now. Not because I want money or fame or anything material out of it. But just because it's the best feeling. I want that person to experience what I am experiencing right now. You really have to be lucky to go through what I am going through right now and I thank God with all my heart for everything.

"Fight" has always been the answer

है लिए हथियार दुश्मन ताक में बैठा उधर,
और हम तैयार हैं सीना लिए अपना इधर,
ख़ून से खेलेंगे होली ग़र वतन मुश्किल में हैं,
सरफरोशी कि तमन्ना अब हमारे दिल में है।

The Master Chief is not fearless. He fears a lot of things. But he has the ability to fight his fears and achieve his mission inspite of the fear in his mind. He is scared that he will have to spend his and his Spartans' lives for the mission. He is afraid that his mission might be left incomplete. He is afraid that he has never seen defeat and one of these days, defeat will show it's face and he does not know how horrible it will be. But execution of the mission overrules everything. He somehow manages to completely erase these fears off his mind and gets back on mission. He has never seen defeat and he will never allow defeat to show it's face.

Once you imagine a goal, you decide or get help deciding whether it is right or wrong. Once you have decided what is right for you, you fight to execute it, or die trying. It sounds simple and difficult at the same time. The fight is always a fight for determination. Determine yourself to not take your mind off your goal. You can achieve only if you can determine. Thus "Fight" for determination has always been the answer to my questions. But it is indeed a very hard fight to put up. This is a challenge we all face. Only those who execute determination emerge out of the crowd.

वंदे मातरम

तू ही जिन्दगी है,
तू ही मेरी मुहब्बत है,
तेरे ही पैरों में जन्नत है,
तू ही दिल, तू जान,
माँ,
माँ तुझे सलाम